I wish there was a magic pill

I think that someone should invent a pill that would take away my cravings, give me energy, smooth my cellulite, shrink my belly & dissolve my double chin...Yes, no more double chin. That would be awesome! Well until someone does that, I am going to continue going to the gym. There are days that I actually look forward to it...then I get there, and I want to cry. I literally felt like crying when my trainer actually came damn near to pushing me over the edge. I know I complain, but I really am glad that I am going. I feel like I am getting stronger. I don't feel like such a wimp anymore. I do wish that I was losing more weight. I have sort of reached a plateau or something. I guess at least I am not gaining. If anyone knows of a pill -- let me know!

Weight Loss Tracker

Here is my 'Weight Loss Tracker'. It is kind of fun to see the progress. I am currently on week 2 (the first week I am not counting because it was just a couple of days). The 'goal' line is not my actual goal. It is 10% of my total weight goal. I have decided to break it up into different milestones. That is my first major milestone. I started at 214 (from Hawaii), and am down to 206.4. The weight loss is slower and steadier, but I am ok with it. It really seems sustainable. I have different goals with my trainer. She says I should be able to lose 10lbs a month, and she said that I should lose 8-10 inches in my mid-section in the first month. We started this a week ago, Saturday (when she measured me). I am having a good time keeping track of everything. It doesn't seem so daunting anymore. I even look forward to my butt-kicking with Lilly (then when I go, I am hating life).

Butt Whoopin'

I have been doing Weight Watchers for a week and a half, and so far I really love it. I have heard people talk about 'points', and thought that it wouldn't work. But it makes alot of sense. It is easier to count 'points' than it is to count calories. I am not going to meetings, but doing the online version. My biggest roadblock is eating one thing I shouldn't, and then feeling like I screwed up my whole diet, so I may as well just eat what I want. That is my slippery slope. But with Weight Watchers, I am able to eat what I want without cheating. Nothing is really off the menu. It just takes more of my points. I have an extra 'weekly' points that I can use for a treat day, that I usually try to stay away from, but I know that it is there. It is alot easier to not eat that doughnut, when I know that I can. It makes little sense, but it works for me.

I am also going to the gym and working out with a trainer. She is kicking my ass! I am going 3 days a week, and after I am done, I can hardly walk. I don't really like it much. But hopefully it will whip my butt into shape. It is hard excersizing when I feel so fat. But I guess it is the only way to not be as fat.

Torture

I am all confused at all the different diets and advice out there. Everything is very conflicting. I am frusterated to the point of eating a cream filled doughnut to spite them all...that will teach them! But alas, instead of eating a doughnut, I broke down and joined Weight Watchers. Look at me, picking Weight Watchers over a doughnut...you don't have to say it, I even surprise myself. So I am trying to put aside everything I have been reading about 'unhealthy carbs'. Weight Watchers doesn't even look at them. They want you to choose 'fat free' ranch over regular, when regular has little sugar and low carbs, and fat free is loaded with sugar and loaded with carbs! I tend to think that sugar is worse than fat, but I am not the expert. Weight Watchers is proven to work. But a little bit of myself wants to follow a low carb version of Weight Watchers (that I make up myself). We'll see how it goes.

Edgar just turned 30 and is really doing great at getting in shape. It is pretty sad when your tall 6'5'' husband weighs the same as you. Anyways, I bought him a scale for his birthday. It wasn't a lame gift, he has been wanting one for a while (who wouldn't want a scale over a video game anyway?). We took the scale out of the box and tried it out. This scale is evil...it is like your worst female enemy in high school. You know the one that finds joy in telling you that your body fat percentage is in the 'obese' range! Yeah, you all know what I am talking about. Anyways, it measures weight, total body fat, total water percentage, and it tells you if you are 'obese', 'over-fat', 'healthy' or 'under-fat'. Torture.

Keeping up

I am doing good, and keeping up. Edgar got me some running shoes for Mother's Day (I think it might be a hint). I am now running...trying to train for a 5k marathon. To most that sounds like a wussy marathon but to me, it seems impossible. I have just started running again, and try to run 2 miles a day...it seems to take me about 30 minutes. But this is on a treadmill. I find that when I go outside, and I am forced to run up hill, or the temperature is not ideal...I give up. So maybe I will stick to the treadmill for now. Shed some of my poundage, so running isn't so difficult, then take it outside.
I also gave up the low carbs and went to low calorie...that was a mistake. I don't know why, but it seems I can only lose weight with low carbs. If I ingest those evil little carbs (if they are in the form of bread or sugar), the scale goes out of control...even if I am within my calorie limit. So I am back on lowcarb. I think that I will do this for a month or so, then maybe switch to low calorie by introducing more good carbs in.
I've also been thinking about doing a cleanse...but I will have to give up my diet coke. Everybody tells me I need to give it up anyway. But diet coke is such a good friend. He is always there for me. When I am down, he picks me up. When I am lonely, he keeps me company. We have been together for such a long time. I just don't know if I can abandon him. I am however starting to think he might be hurting me (I would never say that out loud for fear he would hear me). But I have pains in my kidneys, and I feel like it might do me really good to abandon him. It is going to be hard on both of us.

Back on the Wagon

Ok, I am back. Back on the horse...and I am scared. I really need to do this. I need to do it right. I feel myself fail far too often. I need to be more realistic with my goals. I need to be ok with losing weight to be healthy, instead of looking like a hot babe (because that likely will not happen).
Reason I fell off the wagon: I took baby Rohnin to the doctor for his 4 month checkup (at 5 months). He was in the 85th percentile for his height at 3 months, and it stayed the same for 5 months...good. But he dropped from the 80th percentile to the 20th for his weight in 2 months...bad. My doctor connected it to me dieting and breastfeeding. He said that I could not continue to diet, and continue to breastfeed. I wasn't ready to give up breastfeeding at that point, so I went back to eating shit (not literally of course). I don't really know how to find a middle ground. I need to reteach myself. It is all or none for me. If I have a couple of M&M's, I feel cheated/uncomplete/empty if I don't eat the whole bag. I need to get out of this mindset.
Back on the Wagon: Edgar and I just got back from Hawaii, and I weaned the baby (this still makes me sad). I've gotton up to 213...who knows if this is correct because my scale has a memory. Edgar and I always weigh the same in the mornings. And it is so off from day to day it is rediculous. Hopefully the scale is lying, and I am really a hot babe, and the scale is just trying to ruin my life and keep me down.
Goals: I want to run a small marathon at the end of the summer...preferably a 5K. This is going to kick my butt. I know that others will think "what a wimp". But for me it will be an accomplishment. Even in highschool I hated running the mile. That even kicked my butt when I didn't have jiggling flab. So I will train by running 2 miles a day at 4.5 mph for now. We will see how that goes, and then I will gradually up it. I will do it on the treadmill until I get the hang of it, and until it stops snowing (I know this is alot to ask IN MAY!). I think I am also going to not worry about my carbs so much, as I am going to stick to a menu of under so many calories, and eating many times during the day, small meals... like Brooke recommends (hey, if I take her advice, maybe I will end up looking like her!). I am really good at budgeting, and staying within a $$ budget. If I translate it into an eating/excersize budget, it might help my accounting analytical mind.

Here we go, wish me luck!

Week 2, Saturday March 22, 2008

Well, it is hard to update, because I have had no progress. I am still at 201. I do admit that I had a hard time with easter, and all the lovely easter candy. There were a few occasions that I tried and tried and failed. I think that my problem is, was that I was watching the scale, and seeing no change, so I kind of gave up in my mind. The thoughts kept coming back..."you know you want it...you are not losing weight anyway...just eat...just eat." It is hard to keep those thoughts at bay. Another problem that I have is when I cheat a little, I think to myself "you already screwed up, so you might as well make the most of it". I think I am my own worst enemy.

Things I need to do different this week:

• plan and stick to an exercise routine
• if I screw up and cheat, keep it small
• keep positive, and don't give up

Thanks for keeping me motivated. Mackenzie, if you are reading this, I am looking forward to you making a blog. We need each other. I'll support you as much as you are supporting me! Love you all tons!

Jamie

Week One: Saturday, March15th 2008

All in all it has been a good week. I am down to 201 lbs, an astounding 8 lbs in one week! I feel like I am on The Biggest Loser! I have stayed away from my biggest vice: any kind of sugary goodness. I have stayed to the goal, of low carbs and no sugar. With the exception of going out to eat with Brooke at Cafe Rio. I am sure my Pork Quesadilla had many carbs. It is hardest to be good at my work. They have candy & treats on a daily basis. Also every thursday, they serve breakfast of donuts and bagels. I stayed away, and it was hard. One thing that I am doing is wearing a rubberband around my wrist, whenever I have a craving & want to munch, I pull the rubberband, and flick my wrist. It helps to get my mind off my craving. Oh, the pain :). Even though I plan to keep to it next week, I am sure that my weight loss will level off a little next week. But I will keep going. I haven't excersized at all yet, but I will start. I know that I can't keep going at this rate without it. I also am obsessed about weighing myself. I know I do it too often. Usually more than once a day. I know that I need to slow down. Does anyone have any advice on any weight loss supplements? Since I am breast feeding, I have to be picky, but I wouldn't mind advice for when the baby is off the boobie.

To Start: Saturday, March 8th

I am starting out at 209 lbs. I have found that the only thing that has worked for me in the past is cutting carbs. So that is what I am going to do this time. Only I have to be a little careful because I am nursing my Rohnin. I am going to eat staples like salads, eggs, meat, veggies, and a little fruit. I really need to make a goal to increase my water intake, and decrease my diet coke intake. I also need to excersize, but I don't have a plan at this point. I have been a little sick, sore throat and such, so that is next on my list. Find time to excersize. I will keep you posted. Here is me, taken to document this special 'heaviest' occasion. Look forward to the next one in a month.

Purpose

Motivation, at times I have it...but more often I don't. Losing weight is such a personal thing, an embarrassing thing. It is hard to admit the 'Whys?', 'Hows?', and especially the 'How Much's?' But at this point I am to the end. I want to look the way I used to. I look in the mirror, and wonder who that fat girl is looking back at me with an apologetic look on her face. This is my attempt to ask for help. To hopefully gain the support of people I love. Maybe if I admit to them my shortcomings, they can help me to be the best person I can be.

Therefore the purpose of this blog is for me to find the skinny. I invite anyone who is interested to help me along with comments. I think that I need to document my success (and failures). If other people are keeping tags on me, I won't give up. It would be more embarrassing to let other people down, not just myself. It would also be great if others want to join my quest for sharp clavicals, to start their own blog. We can keep tags on each other.

I will update this blog at least once a week with my weight (ugh!), strategies, food plans, excersize goals, successes and failures. I may also add monthly pictures. So please help with my unorthodox goals, or at least just log on to laugh at me, so I can be the one laughing in the end.